Sluggish colon?

Why does life have to be so difficult? Why do people feel they just can’t come out and say what they mean — especially when they’re trying to sell something?

For instance, the other day my younger son Casey and I, were in Smoothie King getting our usual chocolate shakes. Up on the counter where you pay, there were a bunch of small boxes all stacked up, one against the other — maybe a dozen or so in all, about 4 inches high, 2 inches wide and 2 inches deep.

I didn’t really look too intensely at the boxes, but I did see on the top of the box it said “Sluggish Colon?”

Now let me ask you this: Do you really think someone knows if they’re colon is sluggish? Shoot, in today’s day and age, you’re lucky if you find someone who knows the names of their kids’ teachers, or what they had for dinner last night, let alone whether or not their colon is sluggish.

No one knows if their colon is “sluggish.” What they know, is that it feels like they have a beach chair shoved up their ass because they haven’t been to the bathroom in a few days. THAT’S what they know.

Why can’t people just come out and say what the hell they really mean? Life would be so much easier this way, and we’d all get along so much better. There wouldn’t be any confusion or assumptions being made, and things would be just swell and dandy.

So what kind of headline can the top of that box say instead?

Any ideas?

How about this, how about you let me know what you think the box-top could have said, by either posting your answer to my blog below, and I’ll publish some of the better ones either tomorrow, or the next day.

When I post these, I’ll also publish a few of my own suggestions as well.

Keep it clean — remember, this has to be displayed on the counter of a family store. So put your thinking caps on, and then…

Go sell something, Craig Garber

P.S. He didn’t “wish” for it, he worked for it, and then it happened just like he envisioned it:
If you enjoyed this, pass it on to a few of your friends and business associates, and if you have any comments about today’s message, it’s important you leave them right here on my blog:






13 responses to “Sluggish colon?”

  1. Bill Parlaman Avatar
    Bill Parlaman


    I love this post. Read on to find out why I’m #1 in the business of #2

    Who Else Wants To Poop Twice A Day And Feel Great Guaranteed…?

    Finally! A Way To Poop Every Day Or Your Money Back!

    7 Little Known Ways To Tell If You Have A Sluggish Colon.

    Guarnteed Way To Poop Every Day And Feel Great!


  2. Anonymous Avatar

    How about this?

    “FINALLY…The King of Copy Can Sit On His Porcelain Throne!”

    Sorry–couldn’t resist! 😉

  3. Craig Garber Avatar
    Craig Garber

    what do you mean, “finally?”


  4. frenchy Avatar

    You need a pooper scooper for your dog – how about your colon?

  5. Jason Howell Avatar
    Jason Howell

    Bowl Movement In Box.

    Break Through, Secret Formula Cure for Constipation, INSTANTLY Stops The Feeling Of Being Bloated, Uncomfortable, Sluggish and Puts YOU In Control Of Bowl Movements Forever, Guaranteed or Your Money Back.

  6. Bill Parlaman Avatar
    Bill Parlaman

    Now here’s true genius!…

    They Laughed When I Sat On the Toilet But When I Started To Fart!…

    Now I’m not sure if this passes (no pun intended) the “family test” but I think it could be a classic!

    If you don’t think the word “fart” is family friendly enough–feel free to substitute “broke wind” or “tooted.”

    I for one don’t mind the word but my girlfriend slaps me in the head every time I use it.

    Bill 🙂

  7. BKA Avatar

    Colon Busters! Big relief in a small box!

    Devine Colon Cleanse – For that Heavenly Feeling!

  8. GlennY Avatar

    Bloat Relief! When you really need some help!

  9. Bill Parlaman Avatar
    Bill Parlaman

    I guess this topic really inspired me for some reason today.

    I think I have found a niche.

    Do You Suffer With These Symptoms…

    1. Symptom #1
    2. Symptom #2
    3. Symptom #3 etc..

    If You Answered Yes to Any Of these Symptoms You May Have A Sluggish Colon.

  10. Craig Garber Avatar
    Craig Garber

    Parlaman you are scaring me…


  11. sylvia hill Avatar
    sylvia hill

    Craig ~
    “Instant Date With On The Throne” is my humble submisstion!

    Best from The Kingdom
    Sylvia Hill
    The Queen of Las Vegas

    P.S. Still, as always, your biggest fan in Sin City!

  12. Scott Avatar

    How about something really simple like “Trouble going poop? This will DEFINITELY help! Questions? ASK!” Then, so that the person behind the counter doesn’t have to answer a buch of medical questions (because they don’t know the answers and even if the did, the front counter at Smoothie King is not the most appropriate place to have the discussion) have a F*R*E*E REPORT – and it could be just an information sheet printed front and back (on the Astrobright colors that you like to use) explaining more about how the product works and how it can help the buyer. It could even direct them to a website for more information or to ask questions that could be replied to.

    That’s my thought on this whole deal.

    Keep up the good work Craig!

  13. Anonymous Avatar

    A hit of this will “doo-doo” you!

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