Top 10 Industries Seeking A Bailout In 2009
Lordy, lordy. Now the steel industry is seeking a bailout.
Well, I have my own suspicions about who’s next — let me share them with you. Today, I’m giving you the Top 10 Industries Seeking A Bailout In 2009.
1. Multi Level Marketers.
Premise: Since everyone in America has already been approached to sell the newest goop, cleaning fluid, and berries that heal everything from ass acne to arthritis, they have no one left to sell anything to. They need money to find new ways of rapidly increasing the population so there are new people to farm into the system and new South American rainforests to destroy, that will yield bumper crops of unusual-sounding new organic products.
If they don’t get this money — and get it now… they reckon that by 2017, literally everyone in Maine, California and Shimoken, Pennsylvania, will have seen the exact same recruiting DVD.
They need money because their job is to sell your property and yet… they don’t know the first thing about selling. Newsflash: “This is the living room…” “Wow, look at all that counter space in the bathroom…” and “Oh — it looks like they need to replace these carpets!” is NOT selling!
Realtors are no more than glorified order takers and if they don’t get their hands on some extra moola — and fast — they’ll all be forced to go back into MLM (or working for McDonalds).
3. McDonalds. Apparently, since there are now more fat people in America, than in every single other country, combined (including Kazakhstan), McDonalds is running out of people to sell new stuff to!
“Unless we are able to sink a ton of money into our advanced team of global research analysts, to find out the next biggest addictive food product for all these fat people to eat, we will be forced to layoff our entire staff,” said Mayor McCheese in a recent interview.
Parents all over America are terrified, because when this happens, all their teenaged kids will no longer have a place to go and they may end up spending more time at home.
4. Squeegee Window Washers.
Sadly, these guys were just never able to recover from the crazy fuel prices of ’08, which kept 74.6% of Americans at home and off the road. And… away from the squeegee men.
The SWU (Squeegee Workers Union) says if they don’t get money — and get it fast — they will be forced to move into MLM. And Lord only knows the problems those guys are having, right?
A recent study shows that although these guys are still as sneaky as ever, there is now… actually… no more money… to steal!
What the hell are these guys going to do with all this extra time on their hands?
Wait, I know… they’ll get back into real estate and MLM!
6. Escort Services.
Although it hasn’t been 100% confirmed that our nation’s escorts are “going down” (ha, ha) any time soon, this is just a precaution in case politicians really do run out of money.
7. Loan Officers.
Sure, there are loads of folks who want to buy homes, but apparently… the banks… have no money… to lend!
What happened to all the money the banks received in their bailout, you ask?
Here’s the answer: No one knows!
Presto change-o — how the hell does $250 Billion Dollars vanish so easily? These guys are better than David Blaine!
All I know is, if loan officers can’t start making new loans ASAP, they’re going to get back into real estate, and somehow I really don’t think this is going to solve any problems, do you?
8. Porn Stars.
Apparently, people are so depressed over their financial crisis… oops, wait a minute. Let’s start over and call a spade a spade here.
Apparently, men are so depressed over their financial position, they’ve stopped watching porn. What are all these adult actors and actresses going to do?
I mean, think about all the years of training and the time they’ve put in to boning their craft — oh, sorry, I meant “honing” their craft. It just doesn’t seem fair?
Plus, with all these people out of work, it is now feared that “trickle down” economics says that plastic surgeons in California, are going to be feeling the effects of this one, right away! Not to mention, over 69% of all internet sites are selling this stuff – can America possibly afford the destruction of 69% of the internet?
I shudder to think what would happen here, so support the porn star bailout, immediately.
One of the most incredibly self-centered of all businesses, for years they’ve been ripping us off and sticking it to everyone, indiscriminately. In fact, statistics show you’ve got a better chance of hitting the numbers, than having your attorney return your phone call the same day you made it.
But now, even these guys are suffering — no joke. For example, people are filing for divorce and then pulling the plug on and deciding to just “live separately” in the same household.
(I kid you not!)
The answer is simple: typically, when people get divorced, their lawyers, who can’t even balance their own checking accounts, suddenly have the financial acumen of Alan Greenspan and come up with a detailed 10-year regression analysis of how to “fairly” split up all the assets, the retirement plans, savings, and kids college education funds… along with stripping all the equity out of the divorcing couple’s home. Today, since there are no more assets, retirement plans, savings, and equity in their homes — there’s nothing left for the lawyers to pick apart!
They’re like vultures feasting on dead bodies — only the dead bodies in this case, died years ago and there’s no more meat to be found — anywhere!
The problem is, if these guys don’t get work — and soon — they’ll start getting angry. And having thousands of angry lawyers running around, may very well be the one single worst thing for humanity as we know it, than having thousands of angry ex-husbands and wives running around.
So please Mr. Big Man whoever decides who gets the bailout money — please throw these guys a few bucks. If anyone can start a revolution (and then force you to hire them to end it), it’s lawyers.
And who does decide who gets all this money, anyway? And have you noticed the big lesson in human dynamics, that applies directly to your business?
Come here and listen closely: One of the biggest things you need to concern yourself with, when it comes to controlling your customers and clients, is your positioning. See, once you “slack off” a little bit, or once you do something over and above what you should be doing… or as soon as you let something slide even ONE time… your clients and customers now perceive that to be the norm.
Before you know it, they’ve come to expect this “benevolence” from you, as their divine right, not as a one time big exception to the rules.
Kind of like when you’re dealing with your children, and you let one of them take a day off from school as a “mental health day.” What happens next?
Suddenly they think “mental health days” are part of the rotation, right? They’re booking them into the calendar like teachers book “teacher work days.”
If you notice, the same thing’s happened with the bailout.
In the beginning, it was like, “Whoa, these banks have some pair of balls asking for all that money. After all, it was their shoddy lending practices that created most of these problems, wasn’t it?”
But alas, you thought this was a one-time exception, and since we’re all basically forgiving and compassionate people, it was like, “O.K., we’ll do what we gotta do. We don’t want to see people thrown out of their homes, even if they did have so
me responsibility for it.”
But now everyone’s jumping on the band wagon. It’s like, “Holy shit, we need cash, and we need it now! Let’s get together with all our competitors — yes, the same ones we spit on all year long and try to sabotage — and get some money from the feds. All we need to do is show how loads of people are going to be out of work, fill out the Bailout Request Form (which I’ll show you next week), have our PR people go to the New York Times… and we’re in!”
Is this crazy, or what?
Meanwhile, who the hell’s gonna pay all this money back? I mean, not for nothing, but shouldn’t your charitable giving take place at YOUR discretion?
Lots of unanswered questions we’ll never a handle on, for sure.
10. Lastly, health insurance companies.
If anyone is more unethical than politicians and lawyers, it’s the health insurance companies. Imagine this: you got paid to do something every month, and then you turn around and tell your customers you’re not going to do the very thing you’re getting paid to do.
And to rub salt in the wounds, you have a team of legal experts on your side (see #9) who concocted a telephone book-sized of legal rules that not only explained (in language no one can understand) why you didn’t have to do what you agreed to do, but made your customers feel like idiots for even thinking about asking for it.
Holy smokes, what a great business to be in!
Then, every year you get to raise your prices because you didn’t want to do what you were supposed to do, even more!
Wow, kinda hard to imagine something like that existing, right?
Anyway, the health insurance companies need more money because since Uncle Sam has now conditioned everybody into believing they’ll take care of you when you get older, when you need money, when you’re depressed, when you’re out of work, and when you’re not healthy… more and more people are submitting claims!
I mean, while there are a small percentage of people who are genuinely sick, and this is by far, incredibly tragic and sad… why should the rest us have to go out and do annoying things to prevent this from happening?
After all, who wants to waste time doing something silly like, “Watch what you eat,” or “exercising,” when it’s so easy to just submit a form to the insurance companies to cover all your doctors visits?
In fact, how the hell can I get my hands on some of these magic forms?
And how can all my clients and subscribers who are just fighting the good fight every day, just trying to make it, in spite of the fact they have too much to do and not enough time to do it in — how can they get some free assistance?
If you have any of these answers, let me know on my blog or on my facebook page, because all I have are unanswered questions and a mountain of confusion.
Oh, and Happy New Year… buckle up and get ready for one hell of an exciting ride.
Or, one hell of big pile of shit to clean up.
I’m going to do something stupid right now, like workout or read a book.
Now go sell something , Craig Garber
P.S. There are still seats left for my Emotional Copywriting Seminar and Ad Writing Workshop available, claim yours at http://www.kingofcopy.com/adwriting
Friend me on Facebook at: http://www.kingofcopy.com/facebook
Comments? Leave them here on my blog — let me know what you’re thinking: