Today’s missive is only for those people who gravitate towards common sense. Everyone else will be offended, and call me an insensitive card. But there again, read the first sentence of this paragraph.

Ready… O.K., let’s go:

Over the last few years, I’ve received a number of questions sent in to our offices via e-mail. And the number one question by far, is… “Craig, I’m thinking of starting a ___ (whatever) business. Do you have any ideas about this?’

Why in the hell would someone ask me this?

If you think I’m being “mean,” consider this: What if, instead of “I’m thinking of starting a ___ business. Do you have any ideas about this?”… they instead sent me in one of these questions, which are no different:

“Craig, I’m thinking of buying 1,200 yards of Chilean yarn. Any thoughts on this?”

Or how about this one:

“Craig, I’m thinking of covering myself head-to-to in freshly shorn organic sheep wool. Any thoughts on this (for instance, will I itch?)?”

Or maybe even this one:

“Craig, I’m thinking of having my doctor shave all the lard off the side of my ass. Any thoughts on this?”

See what I mean NOW?

First of all, asking me a question as vapid and vague as “Craig, I’m thinking of starting a ___ (whatever) business. Do you have any ideas about this?” — even if I was inclined to answer it, it gives me absolutely nowhere to start, and nowhere to end.

And second of all, can you imagine anyone genuinely serious about buying a business, asking someone they don’t personally know, for advice they aren’t paying for?

So what I’m going to do today is answer this question for all the people who’ve ever asked it to me over the last 4 years, and for all the people in the future who will consider asking it to me during the next 6 years. (I stop working at age 50.)

Ready?

Are you sure?

Alrighty then, here’s my answer: “Yes, I have some ideas about your ___ business you are considering getting into. I think you should invest every single dollar you’ve ever saved into this business. Borrow from your friends, empty your 401k’s, and take as much in cash advances as you can. Sell your furniture to the neighbor’s kids that are moving away… sell your pots and pans to the homeless shelters and soup kitchens in your area, and sell your children to people ‘thinking about having children,’ to help them, as they in turn are helping you.

Take out a second (and a third) line on your home if you can get one, and buy loads of yellow pages ads and television commercials. Not local — I’m talking National exposure here. CBS, ABC, NBC, and Fox Network. Get John Madden to be your celebrity voice and advertise on NFL Today — even if you’re buying an alpaca farm, surely someone watching the NFL wants an alpaca, no?

Next, get a logo. Not just any logo, but one the size of a New York City subway car. And in fact, I’d take this one step further and hire one of the old-school New York City tag artists to do your logo. After all, who’s better at spray-painting the IRT Number 6 train, than people like “Futura,” “Dsense” or the “TatsCru?” Really, when you consider it, is there any other way to go here?

Lastly, before you sign on the dotted line, make sure you can rent a massive warehouse for your operations. Spare no expense here — I mean that. After all, you can’t “get big” unless you’re “thinking big,” and nothing’s gonna make you think bigger, than that big fat rent payment you have to make every month, right?

O.K., so there you have it. That’s my fool-proof blanket advice for any ___ business you want to get into. Oh, and if all else fails, you can audition for next season’s episode of The Dead-Broke Apprentice. Tell the Donald I said “Hey.”

And if you too, are overwhelmed and in awe of the rampant blind stupidity the rest of us are all mired in, and you’re looking for proven, solid marketing wisdom — with acerbic wit and entertainment mixed in — then take a free test-drive of my Seductive Selling Newsletter, because it is simply FILLED with information like this, month-in and month-out. Oh, and the basket of fre.e marketing products you get with your 30-day free test-drive, ain’t a bad deal for you either. It’s all waiting for you here at http://www.kingofcopy.com/ssnl

Now go sell something, Craig Garber

P.S. Check out the MUTHA of all offers right here: http://www.kingofcopy.com/mother

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