The right way... and the wrong way... to write an opening paragraph.

Dear Friend,

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Today we're going to start ripping apart that direct-respone ad I found right here in little old Lutz, in my local newspaper.

(And by-the-way, that's pronounced "Loots", not "Luhtz".)

Again, you can check out that original ad (and even print out a copy of it) right here:

http://www.kingofcopy.com/tips/real_estate_ad_071505.html

So the first paragraph says, "If you're sick and tired of working 70 hours a week, hate pestering people for busines, despise wasting time with insincere buyers and sellers, and are serious about making a six figure income in real
estate without ever prospecting again, this may be the most immportant call you've ever made."

Good things: Identifying some of the strife and anxiety-producing items realtors have to deal with... and, he offers an implied benefit (serious about making a six figure income)

Bad things:

1.  "...this may be the most immportant call you've ever made."

Important spelled wrong, and... What phone call?

2.  This isn't emotional enough. Remember, having a problem is great, but you need to empathize with your prospect.  Get them to BELIEVE from the very bottom of their heart, that YOU know EXACTLY the pain and frustration they are feeling... that you've walked in their shoes... and YOU are THEM.

3.   "May" be the most important call? First of all, we'll deal with the "phone call" aspect of this in a second, but let me tell you this: Brother, if YOU aren't convinced your product is THE MOST important solution to your prospect's most pressing problems, then trust me...

Your prospects aren't going to make that leap of faith for you!

4.  I don't think I'd ever use the word "despise", especially in my opening paragraph, unless I was selling something like "ex-wife" repellant or something like that.

Why would you even want THINK about drumming up emotions like this, when there are so many other empathetic ways of stirring up emotions that aren't so negative.

Being the bright ray of sunshine in your prospect's life is what you want to be -- always -- never the glaring edge of pain and darkness.

Make sense?

So, here's how I might start this ad out. I say "might" because the order I put these opening items in, depends on the order of "pain" and relief they give realtors.

The more painful or pleasurable the experience, the higher up on the list I'd put it.

"If you are a highly motivated real estate agent with a burning desire to increase your commissions by AT LEAST $100,000 dollars in the next six months -- regardless of what level you're at now -- and if you're sick and tired
of dealing with buyers and sellers who really aren't as sincere as you felt they were up-front... and you've had it "up to here" with people trying to whittle your commissions down to practically nothing... then this is the most exciting and important message you will ever read!"

Remember, the purpose of your opening paragraph is to get them to read the next paragraph.

It's the start of your "greased slide" and you have VERY little room for error.

Now go sell something,

Craig Garber

P.S. Want to know why YOUR sales copy isn't as believable to your readers as you'd have wanted? Here's a sure-fire way to find out what's wrong: www.KingOfCopy.com/salescopyreview

Any comments?

Send them to me by scooting over to the contact form on my "Here's How To Contact Craig" page, and maybe I'll publish them -- I appreciate your feedback!

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“Craig Garber is America's top direct-response copywriter.  Join the ranks of Garber's swelling list of global VIP's who subscribe to his unconventional weekly marketing moments, and discover how to dramatically boost your sales and improve the response to your sales copy, on his website at http://www.kingofcopy.com. Copyright © Craig Garber.  All rights reserved.”

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